Friday, 27 March 2015

The Story of a Teddy Bear

Based on actual events. All the characters in this compilation are not at all fictional. They are very much sentient like each and every one of us and are breathing as of March 28th 2015, 6:30 A.M. or so I've been told and made to believe. I've tried my best to leave the reports unaltered and unadulterated but sometimes the best of us also fail at something.

Disclaimer: The incidents compiled here contain horrific and atrocious accounts of torture on a teddy bear. The images ahead may not be suitable for children/ heart patients/ pregnant women/ extremely sensitive people/ teddy lovers.

Please proceed with caution.

Rated: PG-13.

Teddy Bear apprehended, found running with keys!

December 13th, 2014.

A compilation of the reports by various journalists in a chronological order.

01:00 AM IST, Outside Nilgiri. [By Paan Singh Tomar]

A teddy bear was apprehended today outside of Nilgiri at 01:00 AM, IST. It was caught red handed running with the keys of a vehicle. Currently the police have no information of the owner of the keys and there is no FIR filed. Even after long and extensive search of the premises, the police were unable to locate the exact position of the vehicle. There are rumours that the bear has hid the vehicle somewhere remote. The only information we have got is there are letters "TVS" written on the keys. The teddy bear is being questioned strictly in this regard.

Update 2. 01:47 AM. [By Paan Singh Tomar]

Somehow the teddy bear has attached the keys to its body, which will be surgically removed tomorrow (photo attached). The doctors say that it will be a long and complex operation which may extend for many hours.

Teddy under interrogation

Update 3. 01:54 AM. [By Paan Singh Tomar]

After rounds of torture (photo attached) the teddy bear has refused to give any names. Even after one of its eye was removed, it stayed quite. God help it! 

Stay tuned for more updates. 

Teddy Mutilated!

Update 4. 04:28 AM. [By Paan Singh Tomar]

Even after multiple mails from Teddy Rights activists and demonstrations outside the police headquarters (Room 7, OBH) to stop such appalling feats, there has been no reply from the police. They seem to be shoving the demonstrators out of their way. The owner is yet to claim the missing key. Meanwhile, another horrific photo was leaked on twitter, which showed both ears had been cut off of the now maimed teddy bear. It is extremely detestable. Oditi, one of the demonstrators was quoted saying "Maybe the bear was under a lot of pressure. Maybe it was not his fault. We will get to the bottom of this. This is totally unacceptable! Poor poor bear!" 

Want to know if justice will be served to the partners of this heinous crime, which seems to be the police itself? Stay tuned. Another demonstrator Gary (who just got a summer intern at Xilinx) said, "I know who is calling the shots in this. He will never, and I repeat NEVER stop doing what he is unless the bear either breaks and gives him what he wants or dies in the process." On asking the name of the person he was accusing, he refused to comment.

Teddy under Torture!

Update 5. 06:47 AM. [By Paan Singh Tomar]

The size of the crowd outside the police headquarters keeps increasing with the hour. Some people led by Mr. Arvind Kejriwal have gathered outside and started fasting until death marking the first political move in this case. The traffic outside is badly affected. Clearly, the case is getting traction everywhere. Among the common public, Raveesh, who was happily singing nearby with his girlfriend was asked if he did not feel any sympathy towards the bear. He said and I quote, "The bear can go f**k himself. He got what he deserved. I don't care! I am enjoying this!"

He was booed by other protesters and shouts of "sadist" and "monster" went up among the demonstrators and he had to leave the premises. Meanwhile, a new photo leaked on 4chan (attached) now shows that the bear has lost both of his eyes in the process. There are rumours of him being taken secretively into surgery for the removal of the attached key. Nobody knows what turn this story will take. This is totally unprecedented but such things can be expected in the world of social media. The abominable acts of police are now in the open. The teddy bear has clearly been scarred for life. Who is answerable? Is there something more to the story that is being let out in the open? Conspiracy theories have started budding up on blogposts all around the internet. The key still remains unclaimed. 

Stay tuned for more.

Oh My!

Update 6. 11:28 AM. [By Gary Gary]

Meanwhile, news comes from the camp of Dr. Subramaniam Swamy that the Teddy Bear was originally 'Teedas Barid', a virat hindu who was allegedly caught by Christian missionaries on his way to NBH. They changed his name to 'Teddy Bear'. 

Dr. Swamy further claims that these Christian missionaries are holed up in Room 7, OBH and torturing 'Teedas Barid' to not divulge this information. "Now only the true owner of the keys can come and save 'Teedas Barid'. Who is this chosen one who will preserve the dignity of virat hindustaan?", Dr Swamy asks. 

Stay tuned for updates.

Update 7. 01:18 PM. [By Paan Singh Tomar]

Just in, 4chan leaked a photo of the person who is allegedly calling the shots of this whole operation (attached). Police have put up a 25,000/- reward on any information which would leads to subsequent arrest of this person. It is believed to speed things up. Everywhere we have local mobs hunting the neighbourhood.

The story involving Dr. Subramaniam Swamy, which was posted by some other reporter and was getting heat initially has been proven wrong since the person in the picture looks like a typical Hindu extremist (and some say a daaku). People are now saying that the whole story about the Christian missionaries being at the behind of this is a ploy to get the real culprit (rumoured to be the Swamy himself) out of the picture. Because of possibility of religious sentiments being exploited to disrupt the "peace and quiet", the police have declared a red alert in the district. As our correspondents gather outside Dr. Swamy's house in hopes of getting some clarification/comment, people continue to protest outside the head quarters. The teddy is still said to be in the operation theatre and no one has heard anything else from the police station. Will the key ever be claimed? Will the real culprit(s) ever be exposed? Will the person in the picture ever be caught? Will the teddy survive the long and exhausting operation?

Stay tuned to know the answers.

Monster behind!

Update 8. 04:08 AM. [By Gary Gary]

The owner of the key is still nowhere to be found. Pressure mounts on the police to find the owner. Reports leaking out of the police headquarters confirm that they plan to feed the teddy bear to the dog (attached) if the true owner does not claim the key by tonight, 10 PM.

Meanwhile the monster has been confirmed to be a mere henchman of the mastermind (attached) of the plan who has been pulling the strings so far. This guy runs by the alias 'Paan Singh Tomar'. Officials say that this behaviour is a result of his future being secure and his desire of having all the fun before he moves to the next phase of his life."This should be something to remember me by", he says. Will the teddy bear be fed to the dogs? Will Paan Singh Tomar pull another pose of 'KA-ME-HA-ME-HA'?


Much_filter So_doggy Wow!

Apple Fanboy

Update 9. 07:08 PM. [By Paan Singh Tomar]

We apologize for getting a little bit off track. The journalist who wrote the previous post has been fired. You cannot let personal feeling cloud your judgement, not when you are in such a responsible position of power. Let us make one thing clear, we have zero tolerance for such deeds. We promise you that nothing like that will happen in the future. Lets get the right things back in perspective. The teddy bear is said to have successfully undergone the operation and the key has been successfully detached from his body. However, bandages have come up on the teddy bear at odd places (photo attached) which has led the public to speculate. No one dares to speak out loud what might have happened.

Reshmi, who was just placed at buy-hut-ke, said maybe we should try and think-hut-ke. She said "What proof does the police have that the owner of the vehicle was not the teddy himself." This has led many people to re-evaluate their initial stance and the police is even more confused than before. Even though the operation might have been a success, the bear is in a very delicate condition. There are rumours that the chances of his survival are 20-80. If he dies, who will be responsible? Since no one has yet claimed the key there are all sorts of questions being asked. The commissioner of police Mr. Harsh Vardhan Rathore, who was kind enough to pose for us (photo attached) said "We have not yet looked at the case from this angle. If the key was indeed the property of the bear, we will release him at once." On asking who will be responsible for the sorry condition the bear is in, he refused to comment.

Mr. Pani was quoted saying, "It is all about the ride." We are still trying to figure out what it means.

Will the... well f**k it. We all know and we all are waiting for it.

Stay tuned.

What the ****

Our Own Commissioner of Police


Update 10. [The one never published]. 09:18 PM. [By Paan Singh Tomar]

And there we have it. A total anticlimactic end to such a big story which left the poor bear much dead. It turns out that the bear was mute from birth and he didn't learn read and write because he never went to a school. Apparently his gestures were wrongly interpreted by the police officers and they thought that he was just putting up an act or making fun of them. This caused them to loose their mind. The sign interpreter who arrived later on the scene managed to get this message out of the bear before he closed his eyes for the last time: "I saw the key as it dropped from the pocket of the owner and was running to return it to him when I was caught by the police. It is not my fault. Help me!".

(The attached photo of unimpressed Sardar child aptly captures our reaction to all of this)

Mr Kejriwal who had said that he will remain fasting until the criminal is behind the bars was force-fed some fruit juice from the juice centre in the vicinity. Watching Mr. Kejriwal drinking (reluctantly at first but vigorously later, photo attached) other AAP supporters also broke their fast and had what he had, the mausambi juice. Mr. Rajnath, the minister of home affairs has said that a probe will be led into this and the real culprits will be found out. He said that he will not stop until he gets to the bottom of this. A compensation of 50,000/- has been promised to the family of the bear which is said to be not near enough by the family members. Dinesh Yadav, the owner of the juice centre (photo attached) said "Baiya pehle kabhi nahi dekha itna saara janta. Humari bikri to hui hai par sab udhaar leke chala jaata hai, aur wapis nahi karta." Nobody knows if the AAP supporters are gonna pay him back or just treat it as one of the donations.

Anyway, this marks the end of the bear who found a key and died in the act of returning it. It is clearly a shame.

Unimpressed Sardar Kid
Dinesh Bhaiya, The juice stall owner

Kejriwal drinking

What the Conspiracy Theorists are saying (which is clearly ridiculous!): 

The Teddy bear is not alive. It never was. It is the part of a keyring of some TVS vehicle, which was found in front of Nilgiri at 1:00am on 13th December 2014.

If it belongs to you, you can collect it from this person (photo attached) in Room-6, OBH (if he still has it).

Barça Fan

Oh! and he is also a part time warg or a white walker (I always confuse between the two). Photo attached for easy identification. Knock before you enter or you get the shock of your life. Cheers!

Warg/ White Walker